When I found out the truth about Santa
I walked the ever so long walk down my driveway
For my ever so tiny legs
I felt the tears coming forward
Tingling behind my eyes
Tingling behind my nose
Tingling in that place that can go either to your eyes or your nose and usually, Annoyingly
It goes to both
Because our bodies are healing machines made to push out pain in all its forms This body
I used to know it well
And in that moment, I took my body, used my every so tiny legs, turned around And ran
Past the house
Past the backyard
Past the swingset and the compost Over rocks and snow
I ran
To the edge of a cliff and cried
I cried in all the ways I’d seen crying done before
I cried it out in the woods where no one could share my pain
And after it was done
After it was out
After I’d decided that suicide was not an option and I was too young to run free I knew, I had to go back
To the house
Through the backyard
Past the swingset and the compost
Over rocks and snow
Go back
From the edge of the cliff where I cried
The next day in class my teacher asked, “Why did you miss school?” I knew that was a question I didn’t want to answer
Consequence all too clear
I worried I would cry in front of others
I worried they would laugh at my stupidity
I worried that my answer would cause the same pain in me for those others who held the same belief in magic, mystery and whimsy beyond what this world ever showed
At a time and place
Where they couldn’t run
Past the house
Past the backyard
Past the swingset and the compost
Over rocks and snow
They couldn’t run
To the edge of a cliff
And cry